The Attachment Dance

The papers are signed, Lily is now a Brandt forever, and the dance has begun.  The night before last closed with a much loved bubble bath.  Lily had a blast creating punk hair styles and bubble beards and mtioned for me to take photos of her creativity.  The more I laughed, the more animated she became.  We picked out clothes for the next day and I drew out a picture of an airplane along a dotted line from her city to Guongzhou and she gasped with excitement! We smuggled into bed with anticipation and awoke piling on backpacks immediately after dressing.  Unfortunately the flight wasn't until 7pm so there was a lot of time to kill.  We tried to keep busy but it was a rather long day.  Later that afternoon our family and the Richards family boarded the van and began the trek out of Xi'an and across the countryside to the airport.  While traveling Lily became increasingly quiet and to herself, pressing her face against the glass in the van and not wanting to interact with anyone.  She knew all to well what was happening.  She was about to leave her part of China forever.  It was as if a huge wall went up between us and Lily, and we were under no uncertain terms allowed to enter in to her grief.  No hands were reached for.  No eye contact was made. Tears were hidden and tissues refused.  The physical distance between us and Lily kept increasing to the point where Jim and I were a little concerned that this child might just decide to bolt once in the airport. Giving her her manditory space we tried to keep within the 5 foot bubble that surrounded her and waited for any signs of desiring to reconnect.  This went on for about two hours or so until we had to get in line to board.  It was painful to watch her shut down and shut out any consolations.  It was difficult to say whether we were being punished or just isolated.  She's so smart and I can't even imagine what it would be to like to leave all that is familiar and secure to a future completely unknown  and at the complete mercy of a family you just met only a short time ago.

Like a switch that was flipped on the bridge to the plane, the bubble burst, the wall went down, and I was asked to dance with my little sprite. The plane ride and day ended in Guangzhou with lots of shared moments together and Lily drank it all in.

Today began pulling a very tired and stubborn Lily out of bed to dress for breakfast and an early morning medical exam.  We were escorted to a photo shop that was a tourist trap in disguise (much like the stores fashioned at the end of roller coaster rides in our theme parks).  Lily wanted a baby rattle in a basket by the window and when I said "no," the wall went up again.  It lasted through the remainder of the morning for me and Jim took over keeping her from getting lost in the shuffle of adoptive families as we were coralled through the medical exam.  She was tough as nails during the TB shot, refusing consolations of candy and giving away her toys that she had received from the nurses to her little friend Shen Shen.  She kept several paces in front of us as often as she could and looked as though she would take the world on if it gave her one lick of trouble.

We came back to the hotel.  Mommy was exhausted and needed a power nap (fighting a cold) so "Babie" (Lily's word for Jim), Drew, and Christian, went on a mission to wear this girl out in the park across the street.  Before going, Lily, in her own sweet way asked if Mommy was coming and as I snuggled down to show I needed a nap, her face came into mine and we kissed and said good-bye.  For the rest of the day we were dancing again, through little games of hide and seek, tickling, walking hand in hand, jumping on the .bed, sharing a first Starbucks, and another bubble bath. It was delightful. :)